*sigh* 我好想回台灣. 有時候也會很懷念我在台灣擁有的一切. ToT

我想改變. 我也希望我有機會可以改變…不要再讓自己爛下去. 我不想要再當個很爛的人. 所以我應該要很努力. 也許很多事情不是我說了算. 也許我以往的生活就是予取予求. 因為我的家人給我全部的愛. 讓我覺得我想做什麼就可以做什麼. 直到現在都還是一樣.

Awhile ago I stumbled upon long lost photographs. Most of them were of two young faces, barely recognizable to myself. As I sat there looking at these photographs, it was like being hit by a roller coaster sent from the past. All of these forgotten memories and emotions hit me all in one instance. It was like I was in another world for that moment, like a time machine had brought me back to the yesteryears.

Those photographs brought me back to such wonderful moments in my teenage life. All the wonderful laughs I’ve had with you, and just between you and me..they were some of the best laughs I have ever laughed. It was nice to reminisce back to those days. Just thinking about those days…well, let’s just say it’s hard not to smile about the time we would put shaving cream on our faces and just laugh, or the time we accidentally stole someone’s kitten in clown makeup, and better yet the time I met the love of my life Brett Sims. I haven’t had such laughs with a friend that you were in such a long time, it’s sad that those moments are forever gone now.

But looking at those photographs not only brought back good memories, but memories that have shattered my heart. It sadly took me a few years too long to realize how selfish I was back then. You were aching then, and I only saw the surface. I didn’t take the time to really understand your pain, when I should have. I pushed my beliefs onto you, and didn’t truly appreciate the opinions you had. When I should have been open minded, I wasn’t. When you told me I should have been, I only got angry. I only really cared about myself, when I should have cared more about the sister that I loved so much.

Then our argument happened, and our sisterhood ended. To be honest, I’m not really sure what the content of our argument contained. I just know on my part it contained such bitter feelings such as jealousy, anger, misunderstanding, and neglect. I felt I was losing my best friend to a silly boy. I never really calculated just how much the two of you loved and cared for one another, and how much happiness the two of you brought each other (and are still doing now) . My selfish actions lost me the only best friend I ever really opened up to..the only best friend I ever really saw as my own blood.

The year after our friendship ended my life got extremely tense. I started falling for the wrong people in order to find somebody that would love me. It ended up backfiring, causing tension in my home. My parents and I fought all the time, and they fought against each other as well. They warned me about the sleazy characters that I allowed to stumble into my life, but I didn’t listen, I only acted out. There was one instance where I tried running away and my dad pushed me down causing my lip to bleed. It was snowing, but I didn’t care..I ran as far as I could to get away. But alas, I had nowhere to go. The many instances after that I spent most of my time crying and hiding in my bedroom closet in hopes that doing so would shut me out from the rest of the world. I had nobody. The one person I kept wanting to talk to was you, but how could I?

That same year, I found a friend I could be my true self around, that I could share my feelings with…someone I could be silly around again. She was the reliable friend that I haven’t had in awhile, and needed in my life. A friend I could count on to open the trunk of my car when I was locked in(don’t ask) Eventually, my heart started aching less, and I became mature, open minded, and more genuine of a person. It was the breakthrough that I needed if I wanted to blossom, which is exactly what I did through my first semester of college.

That first half of my semester of college was when I found our photographs. Which made me wonder how you were doing. I wondered about you quite often after that. All I really did was wonder, and ask myself questions. Then by some miracle while browsing through xanga posts I saw a girl that look exactly like you in her picture. I couldn’t help myself from clicking her page. It turns out that girl was you, and I started to read your blog posts. It was like we were talking again (as weird as that sounds). It was nice to hear how you were doing, even though it wasn’t for my eyes to see. Now I realize I was prying into your personal life, which I see I shouldn’t have been doing..but it was just nice to see how you were doing.

Anyways, what was supposed to be a belated apology letter turned into an enormous ramble. To sum things up, I just wanted to apologize for the argument that seems so silly now, and to give you a belated congratulations on the happiness you have deserved for such a long time.

If xanga is reading this, please post this on the main page in hopes that a lost friend will read this. And for those reading, please please please recommend :]

I know things have been a living hell, especially with the weight of the world on your shoulders brought to you by school, relationships, and just life in general. During times like these I know it may seem like you’ll never be able to make it, that life will always bring you and keep you down; but I want you to know that this is NEVER true unless you want it to be that way.

You do so much for your boyfriend, but what does he give you in return? The cold shoulder? You try to talk to him about your feelings, what’s on your mind, what he can do to help you….but has he given you even the least bit of effort you give him? The answer is no, correct? If it’s been the same way for who knows how many months, and he’s aware of how you feel, then why should you continue to put so much effort into a one sided relationship?

Aside from the rent you both pay, you tell me that on occasion you use what’s left of your paycheck to buy him a gift, has he ever done a thoughtful thing for you? No. He’s completely selfish. He tells you things will get better, but have they gotten better? He gives you empty promises. Don’t put up with them any longer, it’ll just get worse in the long run.

It’s time that you start putting yourself first, you haven’t done that for a very long time. When was the last time you were truly happy? I know you love him a lot, but the thing is if he loved you as much as you loved him he would put you first, just like you put him first. It’s time to be happy Jodie. The road you are on is a very bumpy one, but eventually it’ll get smoother. That is once you make decisions that will make you happy in the long run, whether they will be difficult now to do.

I just want you to know that you’re worth more than the life you live now. Make things better for yourself, and cut out the people that only make you miserable because you don’t deserve to go through this.