Summer has yet to whisk me away to someplace beautiful. Please take me away soon, I need a miracle to happen. Maybe I’m undeserving, but it would be the happiest thing to ever happen to me. I have yet to find a place that I want to call home. I’m a natural born explorer. I often drift away into space wondering about all the places you hide. I bet they’re really magical. I intend to find them all one day.
I really miss Taiwan too. I feel like that has been home to me more than Evansville. I feel like I fit in better, and I feel so much more appreciated. It’s so friendly there, and definitely more beautiful. Plus my amazing family is there to make me feel like I can be just as good as them. When no one pushes me, they threaten to kick my ass. I love them.
I went to our localish amusement park today, Holiday World. I’m not much into amusement parks, but since it’s been in the 100+ degrees here I thought what the hey, there’s a waterpark and it’s a free time with my family. What could it hurt right?
Well, holy mother of God. It was so unbearably hot today I wanted to just black out and die right on the walkway. The hot black asphalt made the heat a million times worse, and since I worse plastic shoes, they started to morph and became extremely difficult to walk in. I thought they were going to melt onto my flesh, and become one with my feet.
Continuing on, I don’t like rides, but since I was with my younger cousins I went on one. Oh my God. I’m such a pussy, I couldn’t even take the swing ride. I was freaking out so bad, and I was hugging onto my eight year old cousin for dear life as she was just having the time of her life.
This ride is an asshole
I don’t feel like writing paragraphs for each picture, so I’ll just caption them again. Hopefully you guys aren’t bored to death. If you are, well I’m sorry I had to put you into an early death.
The fountain that everyone thinks is cool to take pictures in front of for some reason.
This is the ride my little cousin Trinity wanted to ride so desperately. As you can see, it was just as intense as she thought it was going to be.
She decided to throw air punches at me and her dad for laughing at the “fun” she was having.
Just Hannah and my photo of conceit
The amusement park offered free unlimited drinks, so you best believe we took advantage of that.
This ride was horrifying, so of course I didn’t go. My six year old cousin did on the other hand.
This was his face afterwards har har har.
There was this really lame train at Holiday World that took you into a Mother Gooseiverse type place. It was super lame..which lead to yet another photo of conceit.
My cousins’ mother had some work thing going on, so they offered us free food. The wait seemed like it took forever. Five hungry kids waiting for food is like five hungry hawks waiting for a juicy mouse to pop out of a hole from the ground.
Bailey was crying because she didn’t get to sit next to me. Poor thing, I’d be upset if I couldn’t sit next to me too. Kidding kidding.
I promised a certain someone that I would take a picture of what I ate. So here you go
This is all I could force myself to eat.
Trinity did manage to get me to eat a cookie though, if that makes you feel any better. You know who you are
Bailey managed to cheer up cause she got to sit ON top of me. Totally pwns sitting adjacent to people.
After lunch, we decided to go have fun on some old timey cars. That’s my cousin David in the back :]
Our turn in the car. We couldn’t get it to move cause the pedal was super freaking hard to push down. It the power of two [wo]men.
This was my first experience with bumper cars. I hate bumper cars haha, so much confrontation going on at once.
And it has nothing to do with us getting pwned by David…and he didn’t pwn us because he’s a better man driver. It has more to do with the fact that an eleven year old as driving. Mhmmm, that’s right.
Since the sun was blistering and we didn’t want our flesh to melt off of our bodies, we decided to go to the waterpark.
I didn’t get much in between pictures because I didn’t want to get my camera wet. I treat this thing like my own child. If it’s ruined so is my life. So here’s an after picture.
We were so ready to leave. You would think a waterpark would keep you cool, but nooo. The damn sidewalk had to cook the soles of your feet. Therefore, my feet are definitely going to need some therapy.
The only picture of my cousin Noelle I could get. She’s really shy, and doesn’t like to be photographed. Not sure why because she’s absolutely amazing.
This is why she’s amazing, haha. She’s disturbed like me.
After awhile of going on more rides, we decided to play games. I’m a total badass at skeeball. I won so many tickets, but I gave them to my cousins. We walked back to the car, and yeah. This…is what the temperature was.
My parents are at each other’s throats again, so what better way to waste time than sit in my bathroom blogging? I swear, if it weren’t for 8tracks.com most of my ways of escaping reality would be obsolete. I’m listening to the mix B sides and seasides, and I must say, it is the perfect soundtrack for how I want my life to be. I’m listening to Jamaica- Van She right now.(I’ll link you later since I’m on an iPad and embedding videos on here is impossible.)
When I listen to this song I think about myself driving through the seaside with my shades on and lipsyncing. It’s really simple, but there is something about being on the ocean that is so calming. Maybe it’s the endless ocean stretching out to the unknown, or maybe it’s the reassuring sound of the waves whispering to you while the ocean mist gently kisses your face. Whatever it may be, I wish I could be there every waking moment of my life.
From last night’s blogs you could probably tell that I was having a pretty difficult day. The boy that is winning my heart took notice in that and told me he had a surprise for me tonight. I don’t typically like surprises, but let’s just say this one was one of the best surprises I have ever had in my life.
I walked into his home to this:
The romance wasn’t captured by my camera unfortunately, but let me just say it was absolutely beautiful. As simple as it may seem, it made me feel like I was the only person that really mattered ever. I’ve never felt like that before, and to feel it finally is something magical. I hope I never lose this feeling.
He then played this song
We slow danced to the song, and I teared up. I hid my face on his shoulder, I didn’t want him to see me cry. He told me that he knew I was having a bad day, and that he wanted to make it all better. He most definitely did. I’m not sure that he’ll ever know how much he’s changed my life. That gesture will forever be ingrained in my mind, and I never want to lose that memory.
I remembered a video that Timothydelaghetto2 made a few years ago. When I first heard this I couldn’t help but agree with him, now I’m finding myself thinking he’s a liar. I’m not sure what’s happening to me, I just wish that I can get better.
I’m not really sure what to title this blog, but I feel like I need to be real with myself as well as all of you.
Throughout my ENTIRE life I’ve had self esteem issues. Since the age of seven my looks have been poked and prodded at. I’ve been told I was fat, that I wasn’t that pretty, that I needed to lose weight, and who knows what else. These shitty things were told to me by my mother’s friend, my ballet teacher, some asshole I used to talk to a few years ago, and countless other people. I don’t remember a day that I have felt absolutely confident. I can’t leave my house without wearing makeup, and when I do I constantly fear that my face has something wrong with it.
I remember once I had a crush on a boy, but he said that I wasn’t beautiful. He told me that I wasn’t really pretty, and the most that I would ever be is cute. After he said that I would just stare at myself in the mirror and tear myself apart. Even currently, I have a boyfriend that likes to tease me and call me fat. He’ll call me a fat ball, a piggy, or something else. He’s from China so these things are common there, but on several occasions I’ve told him to stop. In fact, I don’t even remember the last time he’s complimented me without me asking. He says he is only teasing me, but I tell him I don’t know how much more of it I can take. He doesn’t listen. Then again, that’s probably why I’m falling out of _____ with him.
Not too long ago, I gained around ten pounds. I was up to 120 pounds, and I freaked out. I gained those ten pounds in one week, and so I went on a crash course “diet”. Basically, I only ate once a day, which was a banana. Whenever I got hungry, I would drink a bottle of apple juice. I’m not sure why I’m using past tense terms for this because I’m still doing this. I’ve been trying to force myself to eat more than once a day, and I’m pretty sure that I’m becoming an anorexic. I lost seven pounds in one week, and when I found that out I felt powerful. I’m currently 109-110 pounds.
When I feel like I’m starving, I feel really good about myself. When people ask me if I’ve eaten, I lie and say I have. I can’t even stand to look at myself naked. I hate my body image, and I wish I could look like those girls at the gym. I know what I’m doing won’t get me a body like that, and that I should eat more and workout, but I get easily discouraged. I’m pretty sure all I’ve eaten today was a banana, a protein bar, drank some juice, and an RC..and I saw that the RC had 270 so I dumped 1/4 of it out.
I used to do this exact thing in high school. I was almost 130 pounds in high school, then I went down to 120 my senior year. Then my freshman year of college, I went down to 110. In high school I used to be so malnutritioned that I would hold books that probably barely equaled ten pounds, but they would somehow leave bruises on my arms. I’m starting to find random bruises on my body, that shitty stage of my life is returning. I wish that I wanted to stop, but I’m getting addicted. You would think that getting dizzy and blacking out would bring me back down to earth, but it hasn’t. I don’t care, and I wish I would stop being stupid.
A few days ago I tried eating a cup of Greek yogurt and I couldn’t finish it. The thought of food and calories going into my body freaked me out, and made the yogurt taste disgusting. Food is becoming abstract to me, and it’s really scary. In fact, as I’m writing this my stomach is growling, but I’m trying to ignore it. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve weighed myself after I’ve eaten even the smallest amount of food.
I found a journal entry that I wrote. I thought I’d share it just for the hell of it.
On lighter topics…I’ve been thiinking about soulmates today. I wonder if the songs in people’s hearts go hand in hand perfectly with the one they are meant to spend eternity with. Or maybe the songs have a conversation with one another. Just imagine, on the outside it’s just two people, but you look into their souls and hear their hearts singing to each other. I bet it feels magical.
After months of hoarding photographs on my camera, I’ve decided to upload them onto here. As I was looking through these photographs I’ve realized how much my life has changed in just a few months. Things have been rocky, wonderful, confusing, breathtaking, and pretty much every other adjective I can think of.
Looking through these photographs are making me pretty emotional, so just to forewarn you, prepare for yet another emotional post from me.
Oh and, here is the song I’m listening to on repeat as I write this.
This was taken around the end of April. It was in the physics class I failed miserably in. We were learning about volts and some other stuff that I didn’t bother to remember. This guy had touched one of those electric sphere things that makes your hair stand up.
I’m sure you’ve seen a picture of me in my “Final Fantasy” wig. This is basically what I do when I’m alone. Invent a new me since I’m not really sure who me is. I must say, I don’t look too shabby in pink ;D
Here are the flowers my boyfriend delivered to me in the middle of the night. I was having a bad day, and he was wonderful enough to surprise me…
The man that made me feel utterly happy, and extremely depressed all at the same time. My first love, my first real kiss, my first everything. I thought I was going to spend my forever with him.
The fish hook my dog swallowed from the lake on my university’s campus. He has some talent.
The day after he got his fish hook removal surgery. He was in a lot of pain, and a lot of medication.
My normally psychotic dog giving the dog she normally beats up the love and attention he needs. Proof that compassion and love comes from everywhere.
The first day of my shit restaurant job…soon after to be my last hollaaaa (kidding I’m too white bread to say holla)
Sushi made by my favorite sushi chef ever..who also quit the shitty restaurant job.
The view from my favorite park’s picnic table. I always go here when depressed.
I’m normally alone a lot, so I rely on myself for a lot of things…including taking pictures. It’s really pathetic I know.
New change of song
The night of the party I threw, and later ditched. My good friends and I walked to the nearby university at 1 am, laid in the grass, and stared at the stars. A good end to the night if you ask me.
Same night of the party, my camera was being a spaz.
I made them take a romantic picture You’re welcome Jodie.
An asshole that is embarrassed to have pictures that I’ve taken with him put on public domains. So fuck you, here’s our picture together. I hope this ruins your life somehow.
I bought a new puppy who is living with the one that I love/loved. I’m a fuck up. I can’t stand to see what might happen to her. I love her so much, and I hate myself.
Did I mention she loves to eat my hair?
See? She’s a psycho ^^;;
The day I would bump into the boy I’ve known since elementary school, and would soon develop a strong liking for.
Hanging out with Emily and the boy that I mentioned in the previous picture.
A truly beautiful moment that we all shared at the same time..and the moment that I realized I’m happier in his presence than the man I haven’t had the nerves to tell this to.
A really happy moment, even though I was feeling dizzy from food that was not consumed by myself.
The day he left. It was also the moment I felt relieved, sad, confused, happy, lost, hopeless.
On our way to go with a friend to adopt her puppy from the Humane Society. Also, I have not yet graduated from making duck faces.
Family portrait with Rufus
Human father and dog son <3
Hannah Day with awkward Keisha
Boy aka The Duck King Taken today
Bailey Day with the best cousin ever
Pure happiness ^^
My final photograph in my camera. This is the first swimsuit that I’ve bought since eighth grade. I’ve never felt so insecure and grotesque in my life. I also look twelve.
I’ve been planning out my life lately, I think it’s needed. I’m getting closer to being on my own after college, and I haven’t been thinking things through. I’ve decided that if I want to be a journalist, I’m going to have to go hard at everything. That of course means blogging more, I need to write more viewer friendly content instead of complaining about my life in every single blog I write. It’s getting redundant don’t you think?
Either way, I’m going to try and write super interesting things from now on, or at least try to. I’ve also been thinking about getting in contact with Charles Manson and attempting to get a glimpse inside his mind Lisa Ling style.
As for myself, I need to start being selfish. Plus the mood this song gives people is how I’m feeling right now~~~
I think I was born a freak of nature, because the amount of period my body excretes is just amazing, and by amazing, I mean horrifying. My period is so heavy, I can probably fill a maxi pad within two hours. Nonetheless, buying pads is expensive. I also have an abormal period, so this will probably last a month instead of a week. Great. I know, I know. I should probably go to a doctor about that so I can go on birth control and etc. It’s just that doctors terrify me and I won’t be going to one unless I’m in desperate need of medical attention.
Continuing on, today has been the most painfully annoying day ever. I wake up to find that I leaked all over myself, my favorite workout shorts, and my bed. It’s so depressing cause they’re really comfortable to wear during these sad and pathetic times. I’ve also been feeling pretty sneezy today, so every time I sneeze I feel a gushing waterfall between my legs. I also feel that very uncomfortable feeling every time I walk, or just move in general. Ugh. I guess the only upside of this was not too long ago I leaked in my family’s computer chair. My dad flipped out and as I was cleaning it, told me to use disinfectant. Then he told me next time I should wear three pads. As if I have the space in my panties.
I can’t wait until the 5 hours I’ll get to sleep later.
Taken today
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