June 28, 2012

• Return of the 5’3 anorexic

  This song describes my heart right about now.
  

  I’m not really sure what to title this blog, but I feel like I need to be real with myself as well as all of you.

  Throughout my ENTIRE life I’ve had self esteem issues. Since the age of seven my looks have been poked and prodded at. I’ve been told I was fat, that I wasn’t that pretty, that I needed to lose weight, and who knows what else. These shitty things were told to me by my mother’s friend, my ballet teacher, some asshole I used to talk to a few years ago, and countless other people. I don’t remember a day that I have felt absolutely confident. I can’t leave my house without wearing makeup, and when I do I constantly fear that my face has something wrong with it.

  I remember once I had a crush on a boy, but he said that I wasn’t beautiful. He told me that I wasn’t really pretty, and the most that I would ever be is cute. After he said that I would just stare at myself in the mirror and tear myself apart. Even currently, I have a boyfriend that likes to tease me and call me fat. He’ll call me a fat ball, a piggy, or something else. He’s from China so these things are common there, but on several occasions I’ve told him to stop. In fact, I don’t even remember the last time he’s complimented me without me asking. He says he is only teasing me, but I tell him I don’t know how much more of it I can take. He doesn’t listen. Then again, that’s probably why I’m falling out of _____ with him.

  Not too long ago, I gained around ten pounds. I was up to 120 pounds, and I freaked out. I gained those ten pounds in one week, and so I went on a crash course “diet”. Basically, I only ate once a day, which was a banana. Whenever I got hungry, I would drink a bottle of apple juice. I’m not sure why I’m using past tense terms for this because I’m still doing this. I’ve been trying to force myself to eat more than once a day, and I’m pretty sure that I’m becoming an anorexic. I lost seven pounds in one week, and when I found that out I felt powerful. I’m currently 109-110 pounds.

  When I feel like I’m starving, I feel really good about myself. When people ask me if I’ve eaten, I lie and say I have. I can’t even stand to look at myself naked. I hate my body image, and I wish I could look like those girls at the gym. I know what I’m doing won’t get me a body like that, and that I should eat more and workout, but I get easily discouraged. I’m pretty sure all I’ve eaten today was a banana, a protein bar, drank some juice, and an RC..and I saw that the RC had 270 so I dumped 1/4 of it out.

  I used to do this exact thing in high school. I was almost 130 pounds in high school, then I went down to 120 my senior year. Then my freshman year of college, I went down to 110. In high school I used to be so malnutritioned that I would hold books that probably barely equaled ten pounds, but they would somehow leave bruises on my arms. I’m starting to find random bruises on my body, that shitty stage of my life is returning. I wish that I wanted to stop, but I’m getting addicted. You would think that getting dizzy and blacking out would bring me back down to earth, but it hasn’t. I don’t care, and I wish I would stop being stupid.

  A few days ago I tried eating a cup of Greek yogurt and I couldn’t finish it. The thought of food and calories going into my body freaked me out, and made the yogurt taste disgusting. Food is becoming abstract to me, and it’s really scary. In fact, as I’m writing this my stomach is growling, but I’m trying to ignore it. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve weighed myself after I’ve eaten even the smallest amount of food.

  

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