I’ve been feeling a bit lazy, so I’ve decided to wander around tumblr and find pictures that go hand in hand with my bucket list. Here it goes!

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-Rode in a limo on my friend’s 16th birthday party. It was such a luxiourious feeling, especially since I got to share the moment with my best friend at the time. Plus we took the limo to the dollar movies, which got us some pretty awesome stares thrown our way.

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I don’t even know how to begin to fathom how awesome this would be.

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Three words: Festival de Cannes

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The beach is beautiful already, but to share a kiss at sunset would be even more gracious.

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Preferably in a really cheesy Sleepless in Seattle sort of way. Ergo, I would like number 12 to happen.

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Happened on a few occasions, not as nice as you would think hahah.

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I’ve been wanting the perfect little black dress ever since Posh Spice wore one in Spice World. Oh the jealousy!

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To that special boy reading this ;3

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Hopefully this will happen soon.

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I want this to be classy, as classy as the scene in Titanic

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Screw having to be 5’9″ let’s get some shorties in this business.

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Riot Loco, Forever 21, and H&M will one day completely fill my closet space.

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Crazy and beautiful

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It was the perfect chilly spring evening with my best friend in Chicago <3 Plus the guy that helped us out of our noobishness was pretty amazing :]

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It’s been awhile since I’ve been to this magnificent place, and I must go again…and frequently.

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I want to see how many beads I can get WITHOUT showing my fun bags.

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Our current house sucks, and they deserve at least a floor level apart from each other.

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Hips, say hello to healthy eating and exercise.

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Pandas are my favorite land animal <3

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Thank you to the very generous person I know.

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Or by myself

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Specifically Norman Reedus. He’s such a talented and smart guy..plus he’s extremely gorgeous.

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Not just Africa, but everywhere that needs help. Africa could be a start though.

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It seems like such a freeing time to go camping. Plus, with friends it would just make it so much better.

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Sometimes I question homeless people, and what they will use their money for. I know it’s not my place to judge. I would rather give someone that was lying money, than assume someone didn’t need money and not give it to them when they needed it. I guess buying them a meal would be a good alternate during the times I questioned them.

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Once again, specifically referring to Norman Reedus.

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Hopefully a freak accident doesn’t happen and I don’t go missing.

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Constantly feeling trapped inside your own skin is a prison I kid you not.

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“Sex” is nice, but making love would be better.

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Speaking of sex though, ;D you know who you are

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Two weeks I broke up with my boyfriend of almost two years. It was a really big decision to make, and it absolutely killed my soul. He was my first love, my first boyfriend, and my first real kiss. To end things made my life seem easier and more difficult all at the same time, but neither of you seemed to notice.

I broke up with him because our lives were going in different directions, and if we didn’t end things now, it would only get harder in the future. He also wasn’t there for me emotionally, he thought buying my love was a good enough way to show me love. Even after I told him countless times that all I wanted was him to be there for me with his heart, and not with his wallet, he still never listened. I never told you the details because I knew you wouldn’t exactly understand, so I only told you the surface of things.

Dad, I told you first because you woke up to me crying. When I told you what happened, you told me if things were meant to be with him we would eventually find our way back to each other. I thought it was something that was sweet of you to say, especially since you never exactly say things like that. I then asked you not to tell mom because she isn’t exactly gentle when it comes to comforting people. Well, you ended up telling her anyways. I guess that’s the parental code or something, but you told her a vague version of what I told you. Including that his mother didn’t like me.

I ended up hanging out with some friends that night, and it was around 9 pm when I got a phone call from mom. She was screaming at me telling me that my curfew was 10:00 and I better come home now or that my car will be taken away. From what I had recalled, it was discussed that my curfew was at midnight. My curfew being deducted a few hours on the night I needed away from life just wasn’t cutting it, so I came home at 10:30. Mom started yelling at me telling me I no longer had a car, and that I don’t deserve to have any form of freedom. She also stated that we had discussed that my curfew was at 10:00 pm now, which we most certainly never talked about. She then started tearing me apart, saying that his mother despised me and that I’m not good enough for a Chinese to date. I’m not sure why she decided to tell me these things, especially on the night of my break up, but she did. Mom went on to say I was worthless, not smart enough, and a few other things that I’ve decided to block from my memory. I just laid there on the floor curled up in a ball crying, something that I’m so used to doing in our house. I couldn’t stand being emotionally abused like that, so I left the house. Mom yelled at me saying to come back inside, but I ignored her and decided to walk to my friends house.

Before I go into more details about that night, let me talk about someone very quickly.

Over the past few months, I’ve been questioning how I felt about my now ex boyfriend. Then all of a sudden a month ago this boy that I’ve known since I was eleven appeared into my life again.
We never really talked before, and since it’s been two years since we talked after high school, we’ve decided to catch up. We immediately had a connection, and it is quite rare for me to feel comfortable around the male gender so easily. Eventually, the boy and I started spending time with each other more and more, and I soon felt feelings for him while still in a relationship with my boyfriend at the time. I felt so confused because the new boy in my life is and was the only person in my life that has ever made me feel like a person. He made me feel beautiful, smart, funny, and he didn’t even have to try to make me feel these things; the feelings just naturally happened. He looked at me like I was the most beautiful person in the world, and I have never once been looked at like that before.

Back to that night.

As I was walking to my friend’s house, I called him crying. I told him what I was doing, and he told me he didn’t want me walking around at night, so he came to get me. He took me to my friend’s house, and we went to the gas station so he could put some fuel in his car. It just so happened to be the same gas station where he worked, and his coworker who was there had just had surgery. He told us to wait in the car so he could walk her home. Then after that we went to Wal-Mart so I could pick up some food because I hadn’t eaten yet. Apparently mom called you and made it sound like I went missing or I had been kidnapped me, so you called me leaving me voicemails saying if I didn’t get home you were going to kick my ass.

I could stand being at home, so I lied at said one of my friends would be going to Florida and that I was going to dog sit. I know I shouldn’t have lied, but I couldn’t stand all this yelling anymore. It is like that at home every day of my life, and I couldn’t stand it anymore. During that week I never did anything bad, I never do anything bad, and you should know that. I guess because I’m so secretive and lied to you about last week I’ve lost both of your trust. I understand, and I’m so sorry, especially since Wednesday you were worried sick about me. My phone was dead when you guys called me seven times, and when I never answered you, you did the right thing to check up on me. When you found out my friend never left, and that I had been house hopping for the past few days you guys were extremely angry. I apologize for that, but I wish you guys would look at the situation from a broader point of view too.

Well, I better end this letter now. Dad’s yelling at me for typing so loud.

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I don’t like to admit a lot of things about myself, but I feel like if I’m ever going to move forward in my life, I need to start being honest with myself.

I come from a dysfunctional family. I don’t ever remember having a normal childhood, or life for that matter. For the first six years of my life I lived in the ghetto, and played with the neighborhood kids that weren’t exactly nice. I remember this girl used to hit me with tree branches, as the other kids watched. I was too weak to ever stand up for myself, and instead of making new friends at school I stuck around. For some reason, I wanted to be like them. They used me for my toys, and for free popsicles on hot summer days. I guess since I was so young, I never really noticed that they weren’t good friends.

I’ve always been timid and shy. It was only until a few years ago that I could start speaking for myself. My entire life I was a follower. I didn’t have any opinions of my own, and I could never speak for myself. Sometimes I still can’t speak up, I guess spending almost 21 years of your life doing what others say is a hard habit to break.

I find it hard to break out of my shell and just have fun. I’m constantly wondering what others think about me, it’s to the point where I can’t have fun because I’m so incredibly uptight. People probably get the wrong idea about me because they think I’m a snob for acting this way, so I’m losing a lot of potential friends that could help me find my way to freeing my soul. My loss I guess.

I’m very thinky. I think, and then rethink that thought, and once I’m done with that guess what? I rethink again. I can never make up my mind about things because I feel like I could possibly make the worst decision of my life, so I get freaked out and stall as long as possible.

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I’ll finish this later. I’m really unmotivated to blog anymore.

 

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I used to think that I was the only one suffering from the problems that come from life, but as I observe people I realize that we are not alone when it comes to feeling pain. Whether that pain is from feeling lost, or from uncertainty, there is always something that we can do. I guess this blog is dedicated to all of us going through tough times.

Step 1:

You might do things to please other people. You could also be the type of person that fears making decisions that could potentially change the rest of your life. Either way, crack out of your shells and just learn to live and do what makes you feel happy.

Step 2:

Know that fear is nothing but a setback. It will always make you second guess things, people, and situations. Fear is where life ends, and where unhappiness reigns.

Step 3:

Remember that no matter how scary and difficult a decision might be, just go with it. If it feels right in your heart, your soul, and your spirit it’s the choice you should make. If it feels impossible, that means you’re on the right track. It’s often the hardest decision that is normally the one that’s meant to be chosen.

Step 4:

Let your voice be heard, and let the truth become spoken. There’s nothing worse than having thoughts go unheard, and a person go unnoticed. Stand out. Be heard. Be brave.

Step 5:

Stop worrying about life, just do what makes you feel happy and free. It’s the only thing that’ll really matter throughout your life.

Step 6:

Always savor the moments that make your heart feel happy. It’s those moments that will keep you sane during the moments you feel like giving up in.

Step 7:

Find true happiness, even if that means going on a journey to find it.

Step 8:

Be different, you will never feel more like yourself. There’s nothing worse than trying to blend in with those around you.

Step 9:

Fall in love at least once. It’s a beautiful feeling.

Step 10:

Learn to open your mind to the world and the things it holds. You’ll be amazed, and who knows..you might find yourself throughout the adventure.

Step 11:

Step outside of your comfort zone, thinking all the time and being safe is no way to live life.

Step 12:

Set a new destination in your life to explore, meet new people, and just live.

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I keep checking Skype and QQ to see if he’s online. Six days not knowing how he’s doing and what he’s up to is hard. I catch myself wondering about him multiple times throughout the day. Ugh. Worries and wonders suck.

 

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I find myself crying a lot lately. So many thoughts are running through my head, and it’s driving me crazy. While I’m writing this, I’m listening to the song embedded above. All I keep thinking about is packing my bags and driving off to wherever direction my heart leads me, leaving all my problems behind. I want to live in a place so no one knows me, so I can be whoever I want to be. I want to be unknown, almost invisible so I can rise above everyone else and surprise people. I want to throw myself into a new place so I can force myself to live life.

I want to keep driving without stopping, and find myself at a destination where I’ll be happiest. This could be Heaven right here on Earth.

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It’s been six days since I’ve talked to you, and this song captures my life. Yup.

Actual blogs coming soon.

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I don’t know what you’re looking for, you haven’t found it baby that’s for sure. You rip me up and spread me all around in the dust of the deed of time.

That is all.

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Since I’m such an app addict and downloaded an app that shows when your favorite music artists will be in town, I found out that Sixpence None the Richer will be playing in my city on August 4th. I’m so stoked for this, because it’ll be in a bar, and one week prior to this amazing event I will be turning 21. It’s like this is an amazing gift meant just for me.

I remember first listening to Sixpence in elementary school when that cheesy Freddie Prinze Jr. movie featured it. What was the name of that movie? Oh yeah, She’s All That.

What girl wouldn’t want a grand entrance down a staircase to this song? Well, minus the falling and embarrassing yourself.

Every time I listen to Sixpence None the Richer I feel the simplicity I used to feel as a child. I feel so incredibly carefree, and like every issue in my life will be okay in the end. They’re one of the few bands that make me feel like I’m falling in the for the first time, and also one of the few bands that make me daydream like a girl. Every time I listen to them, my heart sings, and my mind drifts away to a world that seems like heaven. No problems or worries, just happiness.

I must add that Leigh Nash’s voice is insanely beautiful too. <3

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I’m questioning myself a lot today, especially right now. It’s probably due to the mellow dramatic music I’m listening to right now. Either way, I found myself going from incredibly happy to being morbidly depressed. Edgar Allen Poe could probably write a disturbing book based around my feelings if that tells you anything.

I’m in a really difficult situation where I have one of three decisions to make. If I were a heartless jerk this decision would be extremely easy to make, and sometimes I wish I didn’t have a heart so I could make it. (I would go into more details about this, but I feel like it’s not exactly the right time to talk about publicly.)

Basically, I feel like I’m losing a huge part of myself. I feel like I’m a shell of somebody that I used to be. I don’t really remember what I used to be like. All I remember is that I used to want to do a lot of things. Now, I find myself doing things I would have never ever done. I’m getting myself into situations that are seemingly impossible to get out of, and it’s killing me. Whatever will happen, somebody is going to end up being extremely hurt, and I hate having to be that person. I’ve been so hurt in the past, and I wish I was the one that is going to get hurt. I feel like I deserve every bit of pain that is coming my way.

I hate digging myself into a deeper grave. It seems like no matter what I do, I’m just making things worse for myself and everybody around me. I wish I knew what decision to make, I don’t like gambling with people’s lives or my own. Why does life have to be so difficult? I wish I knew what to do. Whatever I choose, I hope that I’ve made the right decisions for everyone.

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