I’m feeling all of these emotions right now, and I just don’t know what to do with them..so I guess I’ll wing it.

It’s not fair, and it feels so surreal. She was only 20 years old, why did she have to die? She had so much life ahead of her, so many things to live through.

Although it’s been a decade since I’ve last seen her, I’ve heard so many wonderful things about her. She was such a respectable young woman. Her father, being the strict asian man that he is, wanted her to join the police academy like him. She listened to him and joined. Instead of arguing and disagreeing, she listened to her father.

She didn’t really know what she wanted to do with her career, so she decided to follow along her in father’s footsteps. Not too many children do that these days.

She was always quiet, and I’m not sure how her young adult self was. But as a child, she always kept to herself. Not very outgoing, but there was something about her that drew you in. She was cute as a button too, so I’m sure she grew up to be a beautiful and radiant young woman.

It breaks my heart to think of all of the things she won’t be able to do. She won’t be able to get married, or have kids. She won’t be able to complete the police academy to become a strong, independent police woman. She won’t be able to travel, or see things. She won’t be able to live in the new year of 2013. She can’t see her two younger brothers grow up. She can’t see the future beautiful summers of Taiwan. She can’t cry, laugh, smile. She can’t be held. All of these things she can’t do anymore at the age of 20. It’s not fair.

All of these years I’ve thought about her. I’ve wanted to contact her and grow close to her, but with our families being so distant physically and emotionally, I never got the opportunity. It breaks my heart, because although I’m sure she never really thought about me, I thought about her a lot and she will never know. I wish I could tell her all of these things.

I guess, even though I’ve only met her three times in my life, I’m very fortunate to have met her. It’s strange, I miss her so much, and I’ve lived so many years apart from her.

I’ll probably blog more about other topics later.

We were cousins with only an eleven month age difference, but we were oceans apart.

The first time I met you, I was around three. I think you were just barely two. I vaguely remember the memories we’ve had together, and I wish that I did. From what I do remember though, that even at a very early age, I admired everything about you. You were very obedient of your parents (unlike me), and although you were always so quiet, I loved spending time with you.

I remember when you were around six or seven, I went to your ballet class with you. I don’t remember much of that day, or from that visitation that summer, but I do remember that I always thought you looked so elegant and pretty. Just like a real ballerina.

When I found out about your death today, all I could do was cry, yet at the same time your death doesn’t seem real at all. But do deaths ever seem real when it happens to someone you love? In the back of my mind, I keep thinking I’ll wake up from a dream.

I don’t know much detail about your death. I don’t even know when this month you did die. That alone makes me feel horrible. I was living my life so happily throughout this entire month, and I wasn’t even aware of your death. It makes me feel sick inside.

My mom told me that you died in a car accident. Your boyfriend was driving, and he was the one who ended up living. The human part of me wants to blame him for your death…and even a small part of me wants to know why it wasn’t him that passed away. I know it’s wrong to want that and to think that. It might not have been his fault, and here I am thinking horrible things. I’m not thinking about his family, or him for that matter. I’m not thinking about the pain he will feel for the rest of his life.

I don’t really care though. I just wish you weren’t gone.

I found this saved on my computer. I don’t think we ever smiled in a photograph together…which is hysterical.

I’ll probably dig through all the photos of us that I have, and make a memorial blog for you tomorrow. I just wish you would know how much I love you, even though we weren’t close. Rest in peace, I hope you’re happy in heaven, you deserve to be.

I’ll be honest, I would write capations to these pictures, but I’m feeling lazy today. So I’m just going to upload these pictures, go hide under my blankets, watch tv, and each chocolates.

I’ve practically done it all I guess you could say. He’s watched me pee, we shower together, do the naughty no nos, I queefed in front of him (and accidentally in his mouth), and he has seen my used pads. So tell me why, when it comes to being flatulent in front of him I get shy.

I mean for real! I QUEEFED in the man’s mouth.

To do a slight comparison I suppose it’s like when some men can’t use urinals in front of other people. I mean, It’s perfectly normal right? If you gotta go, you gotta go correct?

There’s just something that brings me to a halt…..

I kid you not, all night tonight I have actually TRIED on multiple occasions to fart in front of him just so I could get the “first fart” out of the way. I attempted pushing them out so violently I’m surprised I didn’t shit myself. I’m surprised I wasn’t more embarrassed of the strange and highly awkward grunting sounds I was making when I was trying to get them out. I am pretty sure I was making plenty of poo faces too.

*sigh*

My boyfriend tried pushing my stomach to pop one out in a very interesting try to help me out, but we got nada. I guess my rectal area has stage fright. It can’t help but to freeze.

AND it’s not like he hasn’t farted in front of me! He’s a man, he’s done it plenty of times. In fact he lifts up on my side when he does it.

But alas, I guess I’m just meant to do it on the other side of the house out of ear shot.

Oh, and sorry everyone for this highly gross, awkward, and random blog post.

1. The longer you stay in, the harder it is to get out.
-I know from my past experiences I always relived through the past. I wanted to relive those good memories, and because of that it always gave me a false sense of hope. I thought “maybe, these memories could happen again if I just stay in a little longer.” But most of the time, if things are going downhill and there’s not hope for a change it’s time to get out.

2. Fearing the “routine” is normal.
-What I mean by “fearing the routine” is the thought of not seeing your significant other (ex. texting them, calling them, seeing them, and etc.) People tend to fear a rapid change, and the thought of your sigificant other suddenly being in your life less, or out of your life completely is scary. That’s normal, and with time (I know, the whole time thing is cliche) it will get better. You just have to give yourself a chance.

3. Trying doesn’t always work.
-If you’re busting your butt in your relationship and nothing is changing, that’s a major sign (obviously) that something is wrong. If your significant other doesn’t care to try, or they’re trying too and things just don’t seem to be working, it might be time to say goodbye.

4. History does NOT define a relationship.
-I know history can play a huge factor in whether or not someone decides to end a relationship. This should not be a reason to stay in a bad relationship. History afterall is in the past, and history does have a tendency to repeat itself. If there are more bad things than good in your relationship, it’s time to move on. There might have been good things, but like I said, history repeats itself. Plus, no matter who you meet, you will make history with them. Perhaps if you move on, you will find someone that makes things better than your current relationship.

5. Wandering feelings.
-If you feel urges to flirt because you feel like you’re not receiving affection or vital emotions from your significant other I would highly suggest talking things out. If things don’t change, and the urges still remain just remember, if a person is tempting enough, urges could very easily turn into actions..and your actions could turn into regret or a lack of regret with continuous actions. If you just want to flirt because you’re naturally a flirtacious person, cut that shi* out.

6. Breaks.
-If you take a break from your significant other and find yourself happier than being in the actual relationship, it’s time to move on.

Last night me and my best friend decided to make some cake pops. I attempted to make the Mario mushrooms…but they failed.

What was supposed to look like this (but green):

Ended up looking like this:

Seriously..what is that? Hahah

And trust me, it took us forever to make that single cake pop. The one we made prior to that one kind of sort of fell apart miserably. It was tragic.

Here are pictures of our other cake pops.

This is a cat

This was supposed to be a sheep, but according to my boyfriend it looked like a lion x.x

Talk about complete and utter fail!

One thing that didn’t fail though, was how delicious they turned out.

Not too long ago I went to my ex boyfriend’s house to visit my darling little puppy. I took lots of photographs like a proud mommy, and I’ve decided to share them with you guys.

My ex boyfriend was dog sitting for his friends, and I just thought this puppy was incredibly beautiful.

For an added bonus, here are some pictures from October that I took of my puppy!

What the hay, here are some when we first bought her!

Here’s my fat black lab when she was a tiny baby.

Before:

After:

Here’s last but not least, my Eddie Spaghetti

(He’s much skinnier now)

Eddie isn’t much for pictures, but I’ll post more of him later :3

If you’re a fan of Youtube’s makeup guru Kandee Johnson, then you have probably already seen this very easy heart shaped cinnamon roll tutorial. If not, feel free to click the youtube video below or click here for a direct link to her blog.

I made these with my boyfriend a few weeks ago, and they came out delicious. It’s extremely simple too! All you do is buy pre-made cinnamon rolls from Pillsbury (or any instant cinnamon rolls of your choice) and roll/form them into hearts.

Here’s an “aerial” view of them

I didn’t exactly take the time to ice the cinnamon rolls with perfection because I was hungry and wanted them asap…sooo here’s my crappy iced completion of them.

Since the semester is ending next week, my friends and I have already exchanged our Christmas gift. My friend bought the Orbeez Foot Spa as my Christmas gift. If you’re unsure of what this is, check out the video below.

This toy is definitely addicting, and is actually quite a good foot relaxer despite being a children’s toy. It comes with a placement for your batteries, but since it doesnt really massage your feet with vibrations or anything, it’s not neccessary (which is good). The batteries are only needed if you want them to rotate into your “manicure” bowls. Which it really doesn’t make any sense because they don’t do anything for your fingers, they’re just for rolling against your feet.

The orbeez are really squishy, and is fun to play with. I had my boyfriend try them out.

He even got a “MANicure” hehe

It’s a bit messy because the balls can bounce and fly out everywhere, but other than that, it’s super fun. My boyfriend even enjoyed himself, and ended up getting his feet massaged for thirty minutes.

Look painful?

Trust me, it is.

It is officially finals week and the stress is finally taking a toll on my body. It’s getting to the point where doing simple tasks with my hands is a challenge. I mean, if you need me to open a tightly sealed bag, I would try…but it would get you nowhere.

I feel like a freak when I look at my fingers. It’s like I’m diseased, like I’ve infected myself with the most incurable of illnesses. Except, to me it’s not an illness. I feel as if this is just a bad habit that I should be able to stop..and I can’t. I want to be able to stop, but it seems impossible. When I confide in people they just tell me to stop..which aggravates me like no other.

Do you think I’m picking my flesh for the fun of it? If I could stop don’t you think I would? Try telling an alcoholic to simply not drink anymore, if you’re a smoker why don’t you just stop? Not so easy is it? Ugh….I think I need gloves permanently glued to my hands.