July 1, 2012

• Falling Apart

  I’m questioning myself a lot today, especially right now. It’s probably due to the mellow dramatic music I’m listening to right now. Either way, I found myself going from incredibly happy to being morbidly depressed. Edgar Allen Poe could probably write a disturbing book based around my feelings if that tells you anything.

  I’m in a really difficult situation where I have one of three decisions to make. If I were a heartless jerk this decision would be extremely easy to make, and sometimes I wish I didn’t have a heart so I could make it. (I would go into more details about this, but I feel like it’s not exactly the right time to talk about publicly.)

  Basically, I feel like I’m losing a huge part of myself. I feel like I’m a shell of somebody that I used to be. I don’t really remember what I used to be like. All I remember is that I used to want to do a lot of things. Now, I find myself doing things I would have never ever done. I’m getting myself into situations that are seemingly impossible to get out of, and it’s killing me. Whatever will happen, somebody is going to end up being extremely hurt, and I hate having to be that person. I’ve been so hurt in the past, and I wish I was the one that is going to get hurt. I feel like I deserve every bit of pain that is coming my way.

  I hate digging myself into a deeper grave. It seems like no matter what I do, I’m just making things worse for myself and everybody around me. I wish I knew what decision to make, I don’t like gambling with people’s lives or my own. Why does life have to be so difficult? I wish I knew what to do. Whatever I choose, I hope that I’ve made the right decisions for everyone.

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  • 8:43 pm
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