July 10, 2012
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The not so great truths about me
I don’t like to admit a lot of things about myself, but I feel like if I’m ever going to move forward in my life, I need to start being honest with myself.
I come from a dysfunctional family. I don’t ever remember having a normal childhood, or life for that matter. For the first six years of my life I lived in the ghetto, and played with the neighborhood kids that weren’t exactly nice. I remember this girl used to hit me with tree branches, as the other kids watched. I was too weak to ever stand up for myself, and instead of making new friends at school I stuck around. For some reason, I wanted to be like them. They used me for my toys, and for free popsicles on hot summer days. I guess since I was so young, I never really noticed that they weren’t good friends.
I’ve always been timid and shy. It was only until a few years ago that I could start speaking for myself. My entire life I was a follower. I didn’t have any opinions of my own, and I could never speak for myself. Sometimes I still can’t speak up, I guess spending almost 21 years of your life doing what others say is a hard habit to break.
I find it hard to break out of my shell and just have fun. I’m constantly wondering what others think about me, it’s to the point where I can’t have fun because I’m so incredibly uptight. People probably get the wrong idea about me because they think I’m a snob for acting this way, so I’m losing a lot of potential friends that could help me find my way to freeing my soul. My loss I guess.
I’m very thinky. I think, and then rethink that thought, and once I’m done with that guess what? I rethink again. I can never make up my mind about things because I feel like I could possibly make the worst decision of my life, so I get freaked out and stall as long as possible.
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I’ll finish this later. I’m really unmotivated to blog anymore.<a title=”Follow Nihaokeisha’s Xanga on Bloglovin” href=”http://www.bloglovin.com/en/blog/4900441″><img border=”0″ alt=”Follow on Bloglovin” src=”http://www.bloglovin.com/widget/bilder/en/lank.gif?id=4900441″></a>
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Comments (5)
Well you’re not alone, I think like that too. Actually, I think it gets worse over time. Might reflect an opportune time for change (for the both of us)?
Wanted to let you know that I read your blog that was posted on HealthKicker, it was so moving that I dropped everything I was doing so I could read it again more carefully and write up a reply. You are quite courageous. Don’t let the harsh words of other commenters get you down, I see that you are a thinker (a rethinker too, that is cute) and just rest assured that plenty of people don’t think at all before they say things.
Keep updating, keep writing, it helps with everything
@blonde_vampire - Thank you so much for this really wonderful and reassuring comment! Your support is much appreciated, and it touches my heart that such kind people like yourself still exist
Takes a lot of guts to get really honest in a public forum. I wouldn’t call this post weak or timid at ALL. It’s a giant step forward into a new future if deciding who you want to be! I hope you keep posting, and I love your background, it’s beautiful.
@GrandFortuna - I’m glad you enjoyed this post! I hope you stay for more