March 6, 2013
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Could you kill your own mother?
As some of you may know, my grandmother is dying.
*Quick note* My grandmother has six children, my mother being the second youngest out of them all. My mother and Aunt Chan (who is the youngest) are the only two of my grandmother’s children to move outside of Taiwan.
When my grandmother was young and had six children to raise they were all she ever thought about. My mom told me that my grandma loved all of her children so much she never gave herself the time to think about things other than her own flesh and blood. Instead of having dreams and goals of having a life to enjoy even the simplest of things, my grandma would put her kids first like any good mother would. She would wake up at 5 am every morning to get the wood stove ready so she could make her children breakfast before school. My mom told me that my grandmother never had any down time, and was lucky if she even had time to take a brief nap.
My mom once said that when she was a toddler, my grandmother was preparing a hot bath for her. My grandmother had to boil hot water for my mom, but before my mom could get in, the water had to cool down. Being a curious toddler, my mom fell into the scolding hot water and gave herself severe burns. My grandmother rushed to my mother and tended to her as fast as she could.
My grandmother was attentive like that to all of her children. She made she they were clothed, fed, bathed, happy, and most importantly, loved. Not a lot of people then and now are fortunate enough to have a loving mother like that.
Now, my grandmother who is dying in a nursing home, who had six kids she loved and cared for is alone. My grandmother was put into a nursing home against her will. When my grandfather was still alive, she fell ill. My grandfather was devastated, and when she was sent to a nursing home to get taken care of he died of a broken heart. They never told my grandmother until months later. My grandmother would always ask about my grandfather. “Where is he?” “Does he not love me anymore?” Since she was so ill, they were afraid to tell her because they thought she would make a turn for the worst. Ever since then, she was left in the nursing home.
Not many people visit her, not even her children that are in Taiwan. They make occasional visits, and that’s so their guilty heart can feel better even if it’s for a moment.
My oldest uncle and oldest aunt are the only ones who can take care of her. My two other aunts that are there cannot. One of them is physically unable to, and the other isn’t in a financial condition to (she is living with her daughter in an old warehouse).
My uncle who has the most money out of all of them (he is a retired professor, as well as his wife) wants my grandmother to die, same with my oldest aunt.
My grandmother is so sick that she has to have a feeding tube, otherwise she cannot eat on her own. My grandmother is NOT a vegetable. She is alive, and although too sick to do a lot of things, she is aware of everything that is going on. She feels loneliness everyday, and all she wants to do is to go home. No one can take her…or no one is willing to. My uncle wants to pull the plug on her feeding tube. He says she should just die so she won’t suffer. How can he say that? She would starve to death. It would take her weeks to die.
My mother, my Aunt Chan, and two aunts who are unable to take care of my grandmother want to keep my grandmother alive. My mom is in such a rut, she is willing to empty out her 401k to rent an apartment and take my grandma home. My mother thinks that my grandmother just wants to die with family, so she can finally die at peace.
This situation is so tough, and I’m unsure of what to do. I wish I could have the money to help my grandmother and my mom. If only candy bar fundraisers were a solution.
My question for you guys is, if you were in my uncle’s shoes..would you pull the plug on your mother?
Comments (13)
It really depends on the state that she is in. If it’s in the state your grandmother is in, no, I would not pull the feeding tube. If she is in constant pain where keeping her alive would only make her suffer (physically more), it would be considered (but not immediate).
I have a great grandmother who is currently in an assisted living facility. She has been there for a few years, and every so often (maybe every few weeks), my parents would come up and I would tag along to go visit her. It will come the day where we would have to make some kind of decision, but for the moment, I think the best is to focus on what time she has left and how she is spending it.
Depending on how close (proximity) you are to her, I think dropping in for a few visits would make all the difference in the world for her. I wish I could physically be there to give you a hug. It’s a tough situation, and it’s difficult when you have to go through it.
@laytexduckie - I wish you were able to give me hugs too :/ I wish I could visit my grandma, she’s overseas
I haven’t seen her since I was a little kid. Maybe around 10?
I think the thing that is really bothering me is that my uncle isn’t even concerned about her. When my grandma lived in Tainan, his wife made him move to Taipei so she didn’t have to be near my family. She has always hated my family, and I think my uncle has been married to her for so long he has stopped caring about us. I think that’s what’s really bothering me..it’s like he forgot how to care about his own mother.
It should be up to your grandma of what she wants to do. But if it were up to me, I have no problem with assisted suicide. Sometimes it’s not about quantity of life, but about quality of life. If someone is suffering that much, and they want to die, then that would be the humane thing to do. Don’t think about what you want, think about what they want, because its their life in the end.
@nihaokeisha – I see. Things happen, and there will be people who come into your life who can create a positive upbringing or a negative black hole. For your uncle, unfortunately, it was the latter. And who knows? Maybe it’s not because of his wife, but instead his view on death has changed. Sure, nobody wants anyone they love to die. But considering certain circumstances, people see them on different levels; he probably doesn’t want his mother to suffer anymore, given the knowledge that her children aren’t able to visit as much. But, that’s just speculation.
I think that whatever decision is made, I certainly hope it would benefit your grandmother somehow. Family around her, and even though it’s nowhere as close as being there, if possible, maybe Skyping her and talking to her.
This is the best I can do for now. *HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG*
@coolmonkey - I don’t think my grandma cares if she dies or not, I think she just wants to be with her family. My uncle doesn’t want to keep her at home, no one wants to.
@laytexduckie - *huggg* that’s true. I hear my mom’s phone conversation with him and he just seems…so cold. He even referred to my grandmother as “his mom” not “their mom”. I think his lack of sympathy towards his siblings is making my views towards his intentions biased. I just want my grandmother to be happy.
@nihaokeisha – I understand how you feel. And maybe perhaps, that might be his defense mechanism towards the whole situation. He knows that she probably won’t be around much longer, and perhaps as a way to not spiral himself into being overwhelmed by the situation, he’s detaching himself from it. People have certain ways of dealing with life events. “Just because a man does not shed a tear, does that mean he does not feel sadness?” I have a cousin who, at my grandmother’s funeral, was stoic, no expression in his face, no tears in his eyes. But, that was because of who he was.
I think the main focus will have to be on your grandmother, and your mom on how she is dealing with what’s going on.
*HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG*
@nihaokeisha - I think that’s the worst position to be in. If the person had their mind made up, I think it’d take the pressure and uncertainty off everyone else. And if she’s hooked to all those machines, then living at home is practically impossible. We were able to keep my great grandmother alive for a long time financially, but she was suffering the whole time, so what was the point? All that money to keep her bedridden and hooked to machines could have put a few kids through college.
@coolmonkey - It really is. My grandmother on my dad’s side was in the same position before she died. She couldn’t eat either, but she stayed her last week at home, and even though she couldn’t eat she was more comfortable at home than anywhere else. I just feel bad since my grandma can’t see her loved ones. I can’t imagine being so lonely.
@nihaokeisha - yeah, I’d rather spend my final moments the way I want to, even if it means my time will be a lot shorter. Better than spending years rotting in a bed all alone hooked to a bunch of tubes and machines.
@coolmonkey - Agreed. I wish people could all stop arguing and just think about the short time she has left so she can at least be even the least bit happy.
I would follow what grandmother wanted. I am sad to hear that your grandmother is dying. Love and hugs to you and your family.
I know personally how very important it is to discuss these health care wishes with your family BEFORE it comes to this.
My mother was a very alert and oriented 85 y/o who was never home.. She was always out at church or elsewhere helping others. She was not a rocking chair granny. She was constantly busy.
One day, she was not feeling well and went to her doctor’s office. They were overwhelmingly busy so sent her to the Emergency Room. The Emergency Room personnel decided to give my mom some IV Benadryl.. She immediately had a seizure and became comatose. She was admitted to ICU. She was unresponsive to any stimuli. No one knew if she was going to live or die. Twelve hours later she ‘woke up’ perfectly alert and ‘with it’. She was discharged home in a few hours.
A day or so after she got home, I called her. I told her how helpless we all felt as she remained in her coma for 12 hours and simply wanted to know what SHE wanted us to do if she should ever be faced with a life-death decision again. She told me that day that if the doctors could not bring her back the way she was, that she would want us to let her go.
Little did I realize at the time that this information would be vital very soon.
Six months later, my mom was on her way to a Bible study with my father. My parents lived in a raised ranch.All of the living space was on one level, but they had to go up/down stairs to get to their cars whenever they left the house. My Dad, in his typical impatience, was in the car, had backed it out of the garage and was waiting in the driveway for my mom (who was always running late). Dad honked the horn several times and got no response. By then, it was nearly 10 am and time for the Bible study. They lived a good 20 minutes from the church where the Bible Study was held.
My Dad got out of his car and went back into the garage to yell for my mom to hurry up. But, when he opened the door of the garage at the foot of the basement steps, there mom lay, unresponsive, with a 3″ wound on her forehead, bleeding profusely.
Dad was flabbergasted, didn’t know what to do, and forgetting that there was a phone right around the corner from where mom lay, went upstairs and called “9-1-1″. Within minutes the ambulance arrived and transported my mom to the nearest trauma center.
I got a call from Dad about 10:40 am. He said, “Sue, just wanted to tell you that the doctor just left. (Doctor?? Doctor??, I thought, in complete shock). I’m in the Emergency Room at Overland Park Regional and the doctors said something about a breathing tube…:” I am oldest of 4 kids who are all adults. I called my spouse and siblings and rushed to the hospital.
When I arrived, mom had been transferred to ICU. Getting to the room, I saw nurses scurrying about and my mom lying in bed, comatose, with a sutured laceration on her forehead and twitching a bit. It was overwhelming.
Within minutes of my arrival, the trauma surgeon and the neurosurgeon had examined mom. They told us that she had a huge amount of bleeding within her skull…so much that her brain was shoved over to the side. The neurosurgeon told us that they could do immediate surgery to relieve some of the blood within her skull. And, then, I asked the all-important question….”If you did that surgery, would you be able to bring back my mother to a normally functioning, alert individual?” The doctors both hesitated and then they both said, “no”. (Be still my beating heart and breathlessness). They both said that the bleeding was so massive that they expected my mom to die within hours.
And then, my father, brother, and sister and brother by phone, all got together to decide what to do. I told them what mom had told me six short months before…and we were then able to make a decision together based on my mother’s wishes. We would continue the ventilator but do nothing more.
We were with mom the entire day and she died less than 5 hours later. The massive bleeding pressed against her brain stem stopping her heart.
That decision was gut-wrenching and very difficult. But, because we knew HER wishes, it was a little easier than if we had to make the decision alone.****I will pray for your grandmother and your loving family!!
Christy
@greatredwoman - Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry for your loss, but I am glad you knew exactly what your mother wanted. I am grateful that you shared your story with me, it gives a very much needed insight for my situation.
Thankfully, my grandmother is doing a little bit better. Although she is still unable to eat, she is able to sip tea and has the strength to stroke people’s hair. Her color is coming back to her too. I’m very thankful for all of the prayers my family has received during these difficult times.
Hugs to you too!! God bless you and your family
wow, that makes me really sad.